This week's special edition of League of Lessons will explore a new, experimental format, because I was too tilted to make light of things and cannot pretend that I like playing support anymore.
I’m not asking for too much.
I don’t need you to carry the game, even though your role’s name contains that word — and no, I don’t call it “Marksman.” The only people who call it that are on Riot Games’ payroll.
I don’t need you to be an incredible player. Every now and then, I see one, but they’re usually on the other team, and they feel comfortable calling my ADC names even as they tear them apart.
You don’t even need to win lane. You can just focus on farming; I’ll help you out as much as I can.
What I do need from you is to not make extremely low-percentage plays at all times. I need you to look at your minimap once every 10 seconds. I need you, in other words, to do the bare essentials of your role.
I get that I’m no Aphromoo. I’m admittedly new to the game, but despite my inexperience, I’m trying to do my part for you. I’m warding river and tri-bush. I’m pinging frantically as the enemy jungler approaches the lane. I’ll die if I’m certain it will save your life.
But you’ve shown no interest in reciprocating.
You won't retreat when the enemy Rengar barrels out of the jungle. You don't bother to complete trades with the opponent's ADC. Your last hitting is … well, let's just say I've had better.
It wasn’t always this way, and things started off okay between us. In champ select, you said I could play Thresh if I wanted. I laughed it off, picking Sona to keep you alive. You made a reference to a low-tier meme; I ignored it, instead pretending to be dazzled by your mental brilliance.
But after spending some time with you in lane, I realize that, despite my hopes for our future, you'll never be what I need. Because what I need is something other than a Xayah that intentionally feeds nine minutes into the game.
My friends told me I should have given up on you. We had a very handsome mid laner who knew how to CS and didn't spurt random toxic nonsense. I liked him well enough, but I had committed to you, an act that turned out to be a huge mistake.
Needless to say, this experience has me thinking.
When this relationship started, I had something else in mind. I’ve always been in a relationship with someone in the bottom lane, and I’ve enjoyed it. But my therapist — a lovely doctor by the name of Mundo — has told me that it’s time for me to change the way I live on the Rift.
So, at my doctor’s advice, I’m leaving you. Once the surrender vote is locked in, I’m moving out on my own.
I’ve got this great deal on a bachelor apartment in the top lane.
It’s going to be a huge change for me, no doubt. But I will adapt and survive, because that’s what I’ve always done. And after all, I can still play tanks. They’re so hot right now.
I won’t be back for my stuff; I had very little farm anyways, and I don’t think I’ll need that Ardent Censer when I’m kaw-kawing my way through the top lane. I don’t think I can convince Skarl not to chew on the Redemption, either.
So this is it: I hope the next support you find can put up with you blaming everything on them. But maybe next time you’ll consider that perhaps the problem is closer to home.
Maybe you are the problem.
I’ll send you a postcard from the Baron pit.
Josh “Gauntlet” Bury is a news editor for theScore esports. You can find him on Twitter.
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